But I am, indeed, deeply unhappy. Part of this unhappiness stems from my situation. Part of it, however, stems from my unhappiness that I can't make myself stop being unhappy. I know that this inability to stop is situational. My life -- job, place of residence, social existence - are very unsatisfying at the moment, so my initial unhappiness has nothing to offset it, and the source of my happiness, when I had it, was very very important. So both positive feelings and negative feelings take on a vastly magnified importance. But I hate the fact that I would like to feel good but can't.
I am also deeply unhappy because a thing happened to make me unhappy, and even if this thing is resolved in a positive way in the end, it still will have happened. Whatever moving on I do will be moving on in spite of caused unhappiness, rather than moving on from happiness to a more settled kind of happiness or to further, greater happiness. A Bad Thing will have to be got over. I thought (I really did think) that I was going to get to be happy, and now it seems that I will only, at best, have gotten to be happy, then unhappy, then happy again.
I'm also unhappy because, if this bad thing isn't got over (and there's a huge part of me - most of me - that believes it won't be), I will have had to suffer a very painful loss. This is the part that's trivial. Everybody suffers painful losses, and many of those losses are far worse than what happened to me. I wish I could just put this quotidian and relatively small occurrence behind me, accept it, and move on. But I can't. And that inability makes me feel inadequate, or inferior. I am suffering A LOT over something that many other people seem not to suffer over at all, and that upsets me.
And finally I think I'm unhappy because I understand. If I were in a situation where I could be angry, simply angry, I think I would be happier. But in this situation I understand all motivations; I can't blame anyone. So I don't even have the pleasure of feeling wrongly, purely - what I have of that feeling is alloyed with understanding.
And finally, yes, I am unhappy because I imagine - and all evidence suggests - that I am unhappy while someone else is happy. I am a valuable person, and I have to suffer while someone less valuable just gets to be happy. And, again, if there's resolution, how do I not let it stick in my craw that someone made me unhappy and got to be happy while I was still suffering? And since I don't believe in karma, or that people suffer as a result of unconscious unhappiness, I don't even have the pleasure of saying, "Oh, well, that person is probably actually unhappy and dissatisfied, or will be."
I've waited a lot of life to be happy, and it seems to me terribly cruel that I should not have been so for longer than five months by now.