15 August 2008

The Difference that Nothing Makes

The Sisters of Mercy have a song called "More," in which the singer, Andrew Eldritch, says, "You don't get what you deserve; / You are what you take."  I don't know if the second half of this is true, but I certainly know the first half is.  The difficulty is, I'm not much of a taker - I don't know how to take things, and I don't think I could do it even if I did know how.  I don't think I'd much like it.  So it seems to me that if you're not a taker, and you don't get what you deserve, you wind up with nothing much at all.

I always thought that if you do the right thing - and I don't mean the morally right thing, necessarily; I also mean the sensible thing, or the thing that you know is right for you at the time - you get a pay-off.  You might not end up with what you want, but you end up not wanting that thing anymore, or you might end up with something else that you want, or that you didn't even know you wanted.  That's not true.  You can do the right thing, and you can try to change yourself, really try, with profundity and determination, and you can still not change at all.  You can deserve, really deserve, a certain kind of happiness, and still not get it.  Neil Hannon says, "If you take your chances and you ride your luck and you never never never never never give up / The waves will see you safely to a friendly shore."  But sometimes if you take your chances and you never never never never never give up you just end up at the end of your life, dead.


zelda1 said...

So, I’ve read your blog and can safely say that you are desperate. Hold on, don’t delete. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean you are at that age when a woman, especially a woman, feels this imminent loss if she isn’t suitably mated. I can say this, having been there done that. What happens and I know there has to be some cosmic explanation or maybe even a Socratic explanation, but when you least expect it, love finds you. I know it sounds really cliché, but it is true. (Many of my over 50 friends can vouch for this phenomenon.) I think it has something to do with looking. When a man or woman is looking for a mate, he or she may never find one because they are in that search mode where every possible mate becomes the object of scrutiny and where every least possible mate is overlooked. And the really defining point is that the objects of scrutiny often misinterpret the scrutiny to be something else, what I’m not sure, but they are turned off by it. I haven’t really thought about this for a long long time, but I will tell you that you will find someone, and if you don’t, is that a big deal? I mean, if you are looking for a mate to say, have children, do you need a mate to make a baby. Not so much. Also, can you be happy alone? Do you really need a significant other to feel complete? Another factor to this puzzle is your expectations in a mate. Sometimes by looking in a less dominantly genetically gifted pool, you can expand your search. Maybe you won’t end up with a George Clooney clone, but love is a funny thing, you overlook the little things that are not really what you expected and embrace those things that are good: like, for instance, a nice back rub, or a drive in the country or a cozy day on the back porch watching the rain.
I am thinking that I should post this anonymously because I know you and I think you can figure out who I am and I don’t want you to see me and think, oooo the mean bitch. Maybe you won’t but you are still so young that you might. And the key is, you are still sooo young. Have a decent day.

Adam said...

Meaning is there but hidden in the gaps like subliminal flickers between frames of film. You can only close your eyes tight and study the afterglow shifting muddled on your retinas. It's best experienced in the contrast of night. Close your eyes, exhale all the air from your lungs, and hold the burn of vacuum in your chest. Keep your eyes closed, and let your mind chant, "Hail nothing, full of nothing, nothing is with thee." And hold it. And chant. And hold it. Then feel the air force its way into your lungs. You can see it all then. The terror of nothing, and the relief of something. The something won't let you succumb. It gives. You don't even have to take it.

Balance with respect to breathing is absorbing the oxygen from the air and expelling the waste from your blood stream. Breathing in air and refusing to expel the waste is an act of failure. Exhaling all the waste and refusing to breathe in air is also an act of failure. Both instances of failure are willful acts contrary to instinct -- i.e. -- you must force yourself to fail.

You are loved. It is there, fluid and thick, and it saturates the ether that surrounds you. I hope you know this.