13 May 2009

How Are the Mighty Fallen

I'm doing some supervisions here this week, and one of my students is a boy.  He's possibly a slacker, maybe a troubled soul, and certainly in deep trouble with his studying.  He's also got a certain kind of nascent twinkly charm.  And a big nose.  I have always been a sucker for a charming slacker, and when charming slackerdom comes combined with a big nose I find a lot to like.  Not that I'm planning to engage in any way with this post-adolescent student, but the combination of attributes gives an added enjoyment to our supervisions.

Then today, as we faced each  other during the supervision and he turned his face in a certain way, I realised that he doesn't just remind me of legions of charming slackers past:  he reminds me of Mr. Fallen.  And I had to turn my mental face away.  Indeed, several times he reminded me of Mr. Fallen, and each time I had to take care to turn my mind's eyes away from that, to avoid anything more than the beginning twinge of pain.

When does that run out, I wonder?  I know I don't want to be with Mr. Fallen anymore, and I know it wouldn't have worked out, and most importantly of all I know that I would have missed out on large happy portions of my last year if we had continued on, but that doesn't change the fact that I still wish for him, and I'm still pained by the loss of him.

Of course, I suppose I don't miss him. He was just the last person I was involved with, the last person I loved, the last person with whom I had a tender relationship, and what I really miss is the relationship, and the loving.  But I know that even now if I saw him my heart would flip over, and I would incline toward him, and then I would be sad not to have him - even though the wise part of me doesn't want him.  

When does that go, I wonder?

I was going to reproduce Keats's "When I Have Fears" here, but then I realised that I don't have fears that I may cease to be.  All my fears are fears that I will continue to be.

Ah, well, it's that time of year...

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