15 October 2009

Hello, My Name is X, and I'm in Therapy

I decided to go with the female therapist, largely because she seems to be helping me, if not to have breakthroughs, at least to regain some kind of equilibrium. I think articulating my fears and worries is helping to remind me of how to deal with those fears and worries, whether or not she offers feedback. That being said, when we were talking today she did say essentially what I said here Tuesday night, so she clearly has some kind of insight.

Anyway, I normally don't talk about what happens in therapy, but in this case I will, because we discussed something that's been puzzling me. I don't know if this has always been true, but for quite a while now I've been uninterested in support if that support doesn't come with a solution. As I said to the therapist today, If someone says they sympathise or they're sorry, that's nice, but if it's not a solution, who cares? I don't want sympathy; I want a better life. And this gradually leaches over into my articulate life, too. If I say, "I'm very angry that you left me," or, "I'm very angry that you're apparently attracted to any other woman, but not to me," the person addressed is not likely to respond with, "Oh, well then, I'll come back!" or, "Gosh, then I'll be attracted to you!" The best you're likely to get in those situations is a "sorry." So why bother? All that's gained is, in case one, impotent articulation+loss (infinitely worse than just loss), and, in case two, two people who feel awkward around each other.

This is a problem I cannot solve. There are situations in which articulating your anger is useful ("I'm upset that you were rude to me in front of other people"= the person will try harder not to be rude to you in front of other people), and there are situations in which articulating your anger is not useful ("I'm angry that you don't want to have sex with me"≠ the person will want to have sex with you).

The great difficulty here is that the unarticulated feelings do not vanish. There's no point in articulating them, but knowing that doesn't make them go away. Not that they'd go away if you articulated them, of course.

1 comment:

Incubus said...

I agree that some feelings are not to be shared. You share them, nothing useful happens, you feel silly. Usually, time erases everything, but when some feeling doesn't vanish, you are into an obsession. When this happens, everything (a situation or a person) seems more important, more beatiful, more intelligent, more wit, more sharp, or more sexy than it really is. So, keep asking a simple question: "why?". So, you are angry because somebody does not want to sleep with you. Why? Oh, because I want him in my bed. Why? Because he seems to be a good lover. Why? Because... because... just because. Well, it is not a good answer.
Asking "why" gives you a better perspective of the things. And you realize that there is a good probability that you are not missing anything very good / important. Or that the person / situation are not worth the angry. Because they never are.