16 April 2009

A Muse and a Little Advice

You know, I don't think Mr. Fallen would dance tango.  Knowing what I know of him, I just can't see him doing it - not because he wouldn't undertake it, or because he would be uncomfortable dancing (although I think he certainly would be that), but because I don't think he'd ever be able to throw himself into it, to LOVE it.  So I think he'd probably, say, learn it to give it a try, or because someone asked him to, but I don't think he'd keep it up, or ever have it bleed into him. And the thing is, now that means I could never be with him.  Because I don't think I could be with someone I couldn't tango with at home.  So I guess I really have changed in an important way since I knew him, and I guess I have...if not outgrown him...irremediably moved away from him.

Please note:  this is not me.  Although I do own a dress 
similar to this, and fishnet tights.  I wish I
owned that guy, too.  Doesn't he look dreamy?  And in delight!

Okay, enough about that.  Now I have a little something to say.  I have a bone to pick with men. Most of my male friends here, they seem to need A LOT of ego boosting.  Now, I know that to some extent this might be because they're relatively inexperienced, but thinking about it I realised that, in fact, all the men I've known intimately need a lot of ego boosting (the ones who were emotionally open, anyway).  Dr. Higher, for example, needed it constantly.  And it is a common stereotype about men that they'll talk for ages about what they do and what interests them, without ever stopping to ask about or listen to what you do and  what interests you.  

It never seems to occur to most men, however, that women might need some ego boosting, too. This is odd, because the media is intensely and it seems so obviously invested in making women feel inadequate in countless ways - I would think anyone would have noticed that at least a little bit.  Also (but perhaps this is to do with the person I am), I think it makes logical sense to assume that other people want the nice stuff you want (chocolate, cuddles, love...), and ego boosting is a nice thing.  Despite these facts, however, men are not much for the compliments or the ego-strokes.  So what I would like to say to men, particularly to men who read this blog, and particularly to my male friends who read this blog, is, You will make women - including your female friends - very happy if you remember to compliment them occasionally.  I don't mean, "You're stunning," or, "I can't believe how smart you are."  But something as small as, "That shirt looks good on you," or, "Talking to you makes me feel happy," goes a long way.  

This is especially true when you are talking to girls about other women.  I took a straw poll (admittedly, the number of those polled was pretty small, but it was more than five), and all polled agreed that they find something very disheartening about men, even their male friends, telling them that they've just seen a hot girl, or pointing one out:  those polled said that, although they did not wish to go out with those men, being the recipient of those observations made them feel vaguely somewhere that those men thought they were not sexually attractive: that saying another woman was hot was okay maybe once or twice, but after that it started to feel as if the guy was saying that to you because you were so unattractive that he just thought of you as one of the guys - in a certain type of community in the States, we would say that the girls think to themselves, "What am I, chopped liver?"  So, guys, how about sometimes prefacing those remarks, or following them, or interweaving them, with some sort of recognition that you realise your friend is pretty, too?  Like, "Wow, that girl is gorgeous!! I mean, she's not gorgeous the way you are, but she's gorgeous."  See how smooth that is?  And everyone feels good.

In other words, you need ego boosts?  So do we.  Give us some. Everyone's insecure:  the support you get should be matched by the support you give.  You think some chick is hot? Remember that we're worried we're not hot, too.  Take that into account as you fling your hotness announcements around.  Face a little more outward, fellas, and a little less inward.

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