Unhappy

Maybe because I'm sad BF has gone (we just parted), or maybe because I had a bit to drink last night and alcohol is a depressant, or maybe because I'm just feeling a bit glum, I've decided to be a bit sad tonight.

Last year, when Mr. Fallen let me go, I was more unhappy than I've ever been in my life.   It was terrible:  I don't want to devalue anyone else's misery, so I won't compare, but I will say that it was terrible.  For a long time I cried every day, at least once and usually more than that.  And during that terrible time, and again in March after I broke off communication with him, and again this past summer after I saw him for the last time, I used to lie on my bed and think to myself, How can I not be dead?  How can the human body sustain this much physical pain and not burst open or split spontaneously?  Once or twice I imagined cracking my chest open and lifting my heart out - disconnecting it - because I thought even that couldn't be as painful as what I was feeling.  I never knew a heart could hurt that way, or that emotional trauma could cause such intense physical agony.

I don't feel I should get any special credit for continuing to get up and do my work during that time, because that's how life goes:  you have to keep doing your job and performing your outside duties while you're in pain.  And I don't feel I should get any special credit for having experienced that pain, because I think that's actually pretty common:  almost everyone has been broken up with, or experienced much worse than that, and my pain was not at a rare level for such an experience, I daresay.

So I don't know why I'm telling that story, really.  Perhaps just to say it.  Perhaps because I never told it before (I didn't).  Perhaps because the only thing I've ever gathered from that experience is that, having gone through it, no romantic pain could ever hurt me as much again. Once you've felt that, what could compare?  So it's actually an uplifting tale...Or maybe I'm just telling it because I'm sleepy and a bit down.